You can find me in the bathroom, crying...

That's where I was today!
I took two classes today and by the time the 'heavies' were going in the second class I was beat, physically and emotionally.
This week has been emotional already, I have a LOT (probably an understatement) going on.  I will blog about all that on my family page here: Good Luck Keeping Up
Then last week I was laid up for 5 days due to a pulled ham string.  Going back to working out on Monday was a challenge.  Tuesday I was sore.  Today I woke up and could barely move!  My abs are KILLING me, my legs feel like I've been doing hundreds of squats.  I went to class and took a great class taught by Shannon, especially the strength training part of it.  Wooo, was it tough.  But I did it and didn't slow down or stop no matter how painful those arm circles with 8lb weights in each hand were.  Then the ab work...HOLY TOLEDO!  Gretchen and Shannon have the same routine in their set and it is intense!
Well Jen was telling me about Adriana's class that she has been teaching and found out that she was going to teach it today at the 10:10 class.  At the end of my 9 o'clock class I thought, "NO WAY am I staying."  But when I went to the back I thought, "I can do this.  Besides it'll be lots of fun with all the latin music."  So I checked in for class #2...there's no leaving after checking in!
I was off in the beginning, lots of new songs and a few I haven't done in a while.  But I caught up and caught on.  Funny how your body and mind remember moves.  Kind of like not riding a bicycle for a number of years then getting back on.  It all comes back to you.
Then we hit our 'heavies'.  I know they are both heavies because they are both my Workshop Routine Songs.  I LOVE one and I LOATH the other!
The first one is JLo and Pitbull Dance Again (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjgFH01k0gU)
I actually love this routine and am challenging myself with the jumping and squats.  I know I suck at it but I'm learning that my thighs and butt are my biggest challenges as well as two big muscle groups that are hard to work.  I wanted to quite, but I pushed myself and got through it.
Then I hear Paulina Rubio All Around The World ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEyvt0HuUbI)
This song will be the death of me!  NO IT WILL NOT, I WILL DEFEAT IT!!!!
Adriana started this song and I literally heard it and said, "Okay Lord, I need you on this one!"  And it began....I tried HARD!  Ultimately I ended up doing two chorus' in low impact.  No, I didn't stop.  But man I was PISSED!  I stopped before the song was over and went to the bathroom and cried.  Wanted to punch the wall but didn't.  Then composed myself and went back out there to finish the rest of the class.
When I walked out of that bathroom I had this feeling of defeat all over me.  I was weighed down and wanted to just say, "Screw it!" and walk out.  I didn't but I wanted to.  I felt a heaviness on me the remainder of the class that I couldn't shake.  When I left I called Jose and just wanted to fall into his arms.  I told him, "I get so mad at myself.  Why can't I beat these songs together?  I feel like I'm a failure and I'm not going to make this."
His words were dead on and comforted me.  He said, "Mija, I know how you feel.  I have felt that way also.  But don't let it hold you down.  You are going to keep practicing, pushing and working hard to get them.  Let that frustration give you a drive to work harder and defeat it."
Like I said before, "this is a journey.  I'm learning daily."  I don't have the endurance like my crazy girl Tana who gets up on stage and is all over the place.  I have to build it up.  It takes time and practice.
I feel like God has placed me here now because I find a lot of encouragement in my Babies.  Anthony & Adriana are AWESOME athletes!  Their endurance, stamina and abilities amaze me.  But they didn't get where they are at over night.  They practice, HARD!!!!  They didn't become the athletes they are by watching but engaging.  They learned and put what they learned into practice then what they practiced into the game.  I've always told them, "do your best and leave it on the field."  Now it's time Mama takes her own advice and I do my best and leave it all on the dance floor.  If I tried to quite and they were there cheering me on I know I would go to the sidelines and they would tell me, "Ma, quitting isn't an option.  Find your strength and push through."
So, I'm going to push through...No matter what it takes!  I may be in the bathroom crying out of frustration.  But that frustration is going to fuel me and I WILL come out fighting!

Learning to be a Crockpot in a Microwave World

I have always been one that is going NON-stop!  I have been a mom since I was 17 and as the years have gone on I've always ran, ran, ran constantly.  So much that when I do have "down time" (which believe you me, it's RARE!) I don't know what to do with myself.
This isn't always a good thing.  Because I'm constantly on the go I'm also a "Go-Getter" type of person.  If I commit to something, I will do and do one heck of a job to the best of my ability.  I take on one too many tasks because as I see it, "if I don't step up and do it, who will?"

Well, this unfortunately has run into my Jazzercise Journey.  Since I started thinking about becoming an instructor I wanted to focus more, learn the moves better, take more classes to build my endurance.  Then when I passed the screening, I wanted to get right onto the training and so on.

Recently talking with my main mentor and some other instructors it's been suggested that I take it slow and learn the best to my ability before going to the workshop routine.  With everything else going on in my life (which I've been too busy to even blog about that) they suggested that I take it slow.
My first reaction was, "yeah right!  I started this and damn it, I'm finishing it.  On the date I was originally planned for!  Even if it kills me!"
Then I thought about it.  Talked to Jose about it.  Thought about it.  Talked to a few other instructors about it.  Thought about it.
Honestly, at first I felt like a failure.  Like I'm not good enough or that I don't have what it takes.  But as I thought about it and learned that I really needed to pray about it, God gave me revelation through it.

1) I need to stop putting labels on myself!
Just because I may not be able to do what I'm expected to do to become an instructor RIGHT NOW, doesn't mean that I'm a failure!  It means that I need practice.  That I need to learn more.  That I need to perfect the knowledge that I currently have before pouring into others.
2) It's OKAY!
I will get there and it's okay if it's not tomorrow.  As you know, I've lost some weight.  It didn't happen over night and I also didn't gain it over night.  I have been doing Jazzercise for almost 2 years, that's it!  I can't become an instructor in 3 months and it's OKAY!
3) Slow down!
Our society is such a microwave society.  Everything has to be done ASAP.  We want to know something, we google it.  We want to go somewhere, we map it.  We want to eat something, we heat it up or drive through a Drive Thru and pick it up.  Then eat it in our vehicle!  Everything we do has to be done instantaneously.  It's not how God intended us to be.  Things take time!  Your brain and body are primary examples of that.  We send our kids to school for 13 years and then to college for at least another 4 just to have a career.  We can't expect to learn everything over night.  Noah didn't build the ark over night, it took some time!

Where I'm at right now is in a learning process.  This is a Journey, right!?!
Journey translated means: going from one place to another, usually of some distance.
Now unless I'm on a jet plane with a ticket in hand, I don't think I'll be getting there anytime soon!  So in the mean time, I might as well enjoy the trip...RIGHT!?!?
I need to slow down and let the process take it's time like a wonderful roast in a crockpot!

On another note...I was working out to my training DVD on Wednesday and Adriana was home with me.  She was on the couch with my phone recording me, without me knowing!  I was kind of irritated at first that she recorded me but after watching it I was actually glad.  I was able to really see myself.  Let me tell ya....there was NOTHING purty about them videos!  HAHAHAHAHA  Mama's got some work to do!
But I'm doing it and my family is AMAZINGLY encouraging!  There is a song, All Around The World by Paulina Rubio.  I swear to you, it's going to kill me!!!!!!!!!!!
ANYWAYS....I would keep stopping during the song and Adriana would tell me, "Come on Ma, you can do it!  Don't think about it, just do it.  Practice makes perfect."
Ant and Jose have been encouraging me also.  It truly puts tears in my eyes!

So this Saturday is my very first District Practice.  It is on Movement Technique.  I am TERRIFIED!  I've been warned that I am going to have my butt handed to me!  I am trying to stay focused and strong but all I can think about is, "I'm not going to make it!  I'm going to be like the BL contestants and faint.  Why am I doing this?"
I know it's all negative thoughts and I know I shouldn't be thinking like this but I am.  I need to learn to focus and know that, this is going to be a lot of hard work.  But I CAN do it and I WILL get through it!  There is a reason why I'm on this journey and I'm birthing something great!  One thing about birth, there is NO backing out or stopping!
So until I'm done...I will continue!

I'll try to update Sunday or Monday how it goes.  Until then know...YOU TOO can do whatever you are facing!

Huge Hugs and Love!