Oh Boy!

Okay, I said I was going to blog everything I felt.  Good and bad, so here it goes!
TODAY BLEW at the technique training class!  Delayna was whining and crying the whole time I was training.  I couldn't get the moves down.  My arms are whonky little suckers that don't like to go the direction they should.  I hurt all over, I'm tired and a blubbering mess!  I came home and mopped my floors then showered.  I couldn't stop crying in the shower.  I want this SO bad that I think I'm over trying.  I am TERRIFIED of failing!
I know I shouldn't think like that.  I've talked to my BAFF (best adult friend forever....HA, I know I'm a dork!) about my feelings and she has checked me.  I'm still learning my worth and have slip ups from time to time, questioning myself.
Today was a questioning day.  Am I fit for this job?  Can I do this?  My body is so achy, will I get through it?  Why am I doing this?  Is it worth it?  Those were all the things I was asking myself while I mopped my floor and Delayna was in bed.  I was really evaluating what I'm doing.  I want to do it for the right reasons.  So I'm going to just ramble and answer my own questions right here and now...

1. Am I fit for the job?  Honestly, I don't know.  I've had people tell me that I will make a great instructor.  That I have the personality for it.  Do I believe that?  Somedays.

2. Can I do this?  Oh Boy, I don't know!  My body is SO achy from doing new routines that Gretchen put into her set yesterday I don't know how my body is going to react to all of this!  Then getting the moves down is another part.  I know I'm not going to be perfect and practice makes perfect but I'm so uncoordinated!  It's really kind of sad.  I know I'm tough and can do anything I put my mind to but doing this is a whole new level.

3. Will I get through it?  I know I will, as long as I continue to push.

4. Why am I doing this?  Now this is something that I have to keep my focus on!  It's not worth all the pain, extra time devoted to learning everything, long hours focusing on what I need to focus on, learning so many new things if I don't know why I'm doing it.  So, why am I doing this?  Jazzercise has given me something nobody or nothing could ever give me!  It has been a building block of me learning to love myself and find my worth.  Sure, there have been other things in my life that has done that.  BUT, my body image and image of myself was SO poor that I was always wondering what someone was thinking of me.  Now just because I've lost weight doesn't mean that people don't still look at me.  After all, we are all human beings and we typically will look at someone and judge them one way or another.  I couldn't go anywhere without being intimidated, seriously!  I didn't like being around people because I didn't know what their perception of me would be.
Through Jazzercise, not only has my body image changed but I have been able to make relationships and friendships with girls that go there that has proven to me that I am a likable person and my life does have value and worth.  If I can become an instructor and be able to give that to someone else, that would be the icing on the cake!  It's SO much more than just loosing weight or toning up, it's about a person becoming all they are made to be without self-doubt and questioning.  Then living a healthy lifestyle so that they can have a long life doing what they ultimately should be doing.

5. Is it worth it?  In then end, if I ultimately change a 'Melissa' then HELL YES, IT'S WORTH IT!

I will continue on and push through.  I will practice, learn and focus on what I need to.  My body will ache, I will put myself in the position to be completely fatigued.  But in the end, I know that I have a mission to fulfill!
My Pastor has a new motto and I'm 100% behind it in many areas of life.  Things may be thrown at me, obstacles will be put in my way but I'm going to do...